Looking Back

Last week I found myself back in the hallways of Good Samaritan Hospital visiting a friend who had just given birth to her fourth daughter. As I held her precious baby who was just hours old, I couldn’t help but remember how she visited me in the same hospital just six months earlier. In many ways it feels that this journey began a short time ago, but in many other ways it feels as though I have lived a lifetime since April. You have been on this journey with me.

From the beginning, my prayer and the prayer of many of you has been that God would meet me, meet us, in all of this. We know that he has answered our prayers in some mighty ways. He has carried me through surgery, radiation, chemotherapy, green skin, multiple allergic reactions, and now the latest MRI that shows “No new growth!” I believe that we have truly seen a miracle.

I am incredibly grateful, as I have already outlived my life expectancy. However, I feel as though my greatest challenge is ahead of me. How do I live my life knowing that my tumor could return at anytime and that I will spend the rest my life without all of the innocent assumptions that I once had about my future? I have been thinking about this question for days now and I have to return to what I know and have seen to be true: our God is faithful and loving. In the midst of the most difficult time of my life, He has made himself the most evident to me.

In response to the question of how to live my life now, the only answer that I know is to return to the people and places and activities that God has gifted to me. I go to Head Start and play with the kids and visit with the families that I have done so much life with. I take kids to the library to discover new books. I call friends and family to stay connected. I go to birthday parties and baby showers and eat pasole. I feed the ducks at the park, because that all four year old boys’ favorite part. I hang out with moms who are much younger than I am and they tease me about being so old and not having any kids. I make plans for the holidays, and plant fall flowers because it is finally cooling off. I take Moms and kids to doctors for appointments. I cry when I feel sad and I see many people with so much pain of their own. I sit on my friends’ front porch and talk about our dreams for the future. I go for walks in the evening. I look at pictures of my party the night before the surgery and I wonder if I will ever be able to take it all in.

Thank you dear friends for your prayers and support they help sustain me. I would like to give you a quick medial update. A short time ago I began experiencing some symptoms that led to the date of my latest MRI being moved up. As you might imagine, the days before the scan were very difficult and took my mind back to a place that felt all too familiar. I was not sure how to share this with all of you, so I am sorry that this is the first that many of you are hearing of this. I am thankful that there was no new growth found on that scan, however I continue to experience dizziness that cannot be explained. I was in bed a few days last week due to nausea caused by this dizziness. Thankfully these last few days have been better. I would be very grateful for your prayers on this matter.

Love,
Katy

Katy & Sugey