Looking Back
Last week I found myself back in the hallways of Good Samaritan Hospital visiting a friend who had just given birth to her fourth daughter. As I held her precious baby who was just hours old, I couldn’t help but remember how she visited me in the same hospital just six months earlier. In many ways it feels that this journey began a short time ago, but in many other ways it feels as though I have lived a lifetime since April. You have been on this journey with me.
From the beginning, my prayer and the prayer of many of you has been that God would meet me, meet us, in all of this. We know that he has answered our prayers in some mighty ways. He has carried me through surgery, radiation, chemotherapy, green skin, multiple allergic reactions, and now the latest MRI that shows “No new growth!” I believe that we have truly seen a miracle.
I am incredibly grateful, as I have already outlived my life expectancy. However, I feel as though my greatest challenge is ahead of me. How do I live my life knowing that my tumor could return at anytime and that I will spend the rest my life without all of the innocent assumptions that I once had about my future? I have been thinking about this question for days now and I have to return to what I know and have seen to be true: our God is faithful and loving. In the midst of the most difficult time of my life, He has made himself the most evident to me.
In response to the question of how to live my life now, the only answer that I know is to return to the people and places and activities that God has gifted to me. I go to Head Start and play with the kids and visit with the families that I have done so much life with. I take kids to the library to discover new books. I call friends and family to stay connected. I go to birthday parties and baby showers and eat pasole. I feed the ducks at the park, because that all four year old boys’ favorite part. I hang out with moms who are much younger than I am and they tease me about being so old and not having any kids. I make plans for the holidays, and plant fall flowers because it is finally cooling off. I take Moms and kids to doctors for appointments. I cry when I feel sad and I see many people with so much pain of their own. I sit on my friends’ front porch and talk about our dreams for the future. I go for walks in the evening. I look at pictures of my party the night before the surgery and I wonder if I will ever be able to take it all in.
Thank you dear friends for your prayers and support they help sustain me. I would like to give you a quick medial update. A short time ago I began experiencing some symptoms that led to the date of my latest MRI being moved up. As you might imagine, the days before the scan were very difficult and took my mind back to a place that felt all too familiar. I was not sure how to share this with all of you, so I am sorry that this is the first that many of you are hearing of this. I am thankful that there was no new growth found on that scan, however I continue to experience dizziness that cannot be explained. I was in bed a few days last week due to nausea caused by this dizziness. Thankfully these last few days have been better. I would be very grateful for your prayers on this matter.
Love,
Katy
Katy & Sugey
posted by Neighborhood Ministries | 10/19/2005 02:19:00 PM
12 Comments:
miss you. think of you everyday. check this all the time to stay connected. wish i could hear from you. miss you lots.
i love you.
and thank you. for who you are. you words so sweet, so honest and dear. thank you.
love
megan brewer
1438 east rosewood avenue
anaheim, ca 92805
Katy: Thank you for such an honest and eloquent communication. I am further convinced that God never uses any of life's lesson in a vacuum, but blesses us all through taking part in the pondering, praying, and healing.
I will keep you in my prayers, that your dizziness will go away and you will have great comfort and peace. Philippians 1:6, Sherry
Hi, Kiddo,
Just now saw the new blog entry. Oops--I got behind! Thanks for all that you shared, including the photo.
Am praying, as I said earlier this week...will check with your mom about any new info the docs may have about the dizziness.
My new word from God is "holdfast" so I thought I would pass that on to you, too. Holdfast--or hold fast--to Him, in everything...we do not know what the next 30 seconds holds for any of us, but we know that He is with us.
Love and hugs, (and a special hi to Sherry whom I think of as my blog-buddy),
Mother Miriam :)
Katie, it was good to get an update, and especially great to read that there is no new growth. I check this blog all the time now, and have continued to pray for your healing and recovery. I have been so blessed just to read about your faith, and that of your family and friends. And of course blessed to be reminded of God's faithfulness, ALWAYS. You are being used in mighty ways. What a testimony. You'll continue to be in our prayers, especially about your diziness and nausea. Not fun at all. Please keep us all posted as much as you can! Much love, Kelli
Dear Katy,
Your thoughts on how to live with an uncertain future resonated with me (I'm glad buzz words change, now and then!), and not because I'm 60 years old and "could go anytime"!
I have never faced my own life-threatening illness. But I became aware of death and its earthly finality very early; I have watched too many people die long before they might have been expected to do so. The result for me was the early loss of thinking that I could count on living to a ripe old age. Always, when I have thought ahead, I have had a large, mental asterisk next to my thoughts. It seems to signify a "Maybe...."
That used to bother me, but as I have watched other, older people grasp life with an iron fist when their bodies were shutting down, I have formed a hope that I will find it somewhat easier to let go, when it is my time. At the same time, dying is not a short-term goal, for me! I have never been happier, never sensed a greater purpose with eternal value than what I live in now. I would not choose to leave this life, yet, and I don't think I would give up too quickly.
I do think you have found your answer to your questions: Keep on keeping on, and always be prepared--kind of a merging of oldtime preaching and Girl Scouts!
Meanwhile, you and your symptoms are in my prayers. God give you the strength to continue doing what you do, all to His glory.
Dear Katy, Wonderful news no new growth!!!! We will pray about the dizziness as we pray for you and yours always. Your reflective comments touch my heart now. As your family knows Bob's sister Suzie has also been battling cancer. But a couple weeks ago she lost the battle and died. It was hard at first to go back to my little list of prayers for cancer victims. But, I realized that God doesn't love Suzie any less just because she died. He loves us through all eternity. He loves you Katy. Enjoy your life. Years ago Suzie suffered a brain anhuerism and stroke. Troubles remained and she worried about dying from those problems. In the end, that wasn't the case. It was just a problem in her past. You will go on now to live your wonderful life and this cancer will just be a problem in your past. Much love to you and your family always, Julia
Katy:
Karen and I continue to follow your progress. "No new growth" is a good sign. You have been through a lot so keep the chin up during the periods of dizziness.
God bless.
John and Karen Voris
Katy
What a beautiful picture of you! It is good to hear that you are still doing well. I believe your experiences have brought us all asking the same questions as you are asking yourself about the future. You sharing your experiences with us has made us all not take life for granted and apreciate life alot more. I often have thought what I would do in your shoes and know that I couldn't have handled it better than you.
Now you have even stronger expereinces that you can share with the mothers and children to help them even appreciate more what God gives us on a daily basis and to appreciate even the smallest of things.
You will continue to be in my prayers! Love you!
Michelle
as always... i pray for you... i think about you... i got much love for you... selina
May God continue to bless you, Katy. You have touched more lives than you know.
Joyce in Indiana
Katy,
I'm sitting here doing a little printing for your Mom (hmm . . . what could that be about!? ;)) thinking of you, so I just read your latest blog writing. You are one amazing, honest, bold witness for God and an awesome testimony to life itself. None of us knows our future, and we often blindly stroll through life not noticing the beauty and gifts around us. You, on the other hand, with all of your recent very difficult experiences, have been given the incredible sight for appreciating the beauty around you in extraordinary events like a birth and in just the routine of everyday life. Many of us will never have that same appreciation, no matter how old we grow.
God is doing mighty things in your life! You are quite a testimony to us all.
Love you! Can't wait to see you back in Indy!
Betsy
Dear Katy and family:
After catching up with your postings, I guess that the Lord has communicated to you that you do indeed have a future; but he wants you to take it in pieces, so that you don't miss a minute. We so often agonize over the faraway future, and forget that just the next day is the future. How we tend to fail to plan for that. Taking time to look at the future in shorter blocks of time could be so helpful in paving a smoother way for ourselves. Your illness has caused you to have to downshift, but yet you are getting the opportunity to savor many things and revisit the joys of life that God has given us, just like the things that you have mentioned such as front porch sitting, visiting friends, sharing plans, and adding joy to the life of a child. I see those things as gifts from above: the simple kind that enrich us, as well as enriching others.
I think about all of the times that you and your family have had to wait with apprehension or anxiety for results of tests and examinations. Oftentimes the waiting wears us down as much as the illness itself.
I am so happy to hear of the blessing you have received of no new growth from your MRI. This has truly been a shining example of the power of prayer.
The Robertsons-Indianapolis
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